Sunnydale Recycling

“Let’s begin with an overview”

Oct 27 at 4:04am by wilkins

This is, I believe, the beginning of the narrative of the blog of Thomas Paine and C at Polyamorously Perverse. This is the first time I’ve thought about a blog as a story you’d want to start at the beginning - rather than a stream you dip into - mostly focusing on what’s in the present.

I’m finding them increasingly fascinating.

After 30 years of thinking I was just another male who couldn’t settle peacefully into monogamy, I finally figured out I’m what’s called polyamorous: I prefer to have more than one lover in my life.

It’s not surprising, actually. My wife and I were both “poly” 20+ years ago without even knowing it. What’s that Country Western tune about “I Was Country Before Country Was Cool”? Well, we were poly before there was even a name for it. The term was coined by some Wiccan babe in the 80s or 90s (not important when). We were just young and frisky and taking advantage of an explosion in alternative lifestyles. Gays and Lesbians and Bisexuals were coming out of the closet, and the Women’s Movement was challenging the way I and almost every other man had been brought up.

My wife confessed one night in bed that she wanted to have sex with other women. I was shocked, but thought it kinda kinky, and said, “sure, you go explore.” For one thing, she was desperately unhappy with her job and her lack of challenge in her life, so maybe I figured “who am I to block her in yet another thing?” And like most guys, it seemed sorta appealing, for reasons I still can explain. It didn’t stop at other women, but included at least one man I know of. I confess I didn’t handle that part well, but partly because I caught her sneaking around with him. So much for an open marriage.

In fact, looking back on that period, she generally seemed to prefer sneaking off to have sex with lovers on her own, and has admitted in later life that she doesn’t like performing. For the next 8 years or so, we had shared lovers and single explorations, some purely sexual, others quite passionate. For awhile, one woman even lived with us. My wife was very bisexual at the time, and we seemed to have a perfect lifestyle, and were comfortable with each other exploring their sexuality and emotional connections.

Was it ever threatening? Damn right it was. There were a couple of times we almost didn’t make it, and I can remember vividly nights I wasn’t sure she’d ever be back. In fact, at one point she told me “I think I’m a lesbian married to a man.” Not exactly a recipe for a long-lasting marriage.

But gradually we moved away from it, and became monogamous, if not by overt choice, then in action. My wife said this was because she didn’t like the “sleazy” aspect of relationships with other people. I continued to look back on our poly period with positive feelings, and told her I wanted to go back to it eventually. She ignored this, and told me after awhile to knock of the pillow talk about other people. I suppose we were both guilty of willfully ignoring what the other said, a not uncommon problem in long marriages. I certainly made it clear to her over that time that I was interested in returning to a more open sexuality in our lives; she has said that she thought I was just another man with the “7 year itch” to a power of three or four.

Over the past year or so, I tried numerous approaches to return to that lifestyle with her. She made it plain that she would not under any circumstances be interested in sex with anyone else of either gender. I accepted this, and don’t wish to persuade her to do anything herself she’s opposed to sexually. But after discussing my situation with several poly friends, I realized that I am and have been poly all along. There have been women I have developed strong attachments to, and I have always been open to casual relations with others (though I did not act on my instincts).

My wife and I reached an impasse this past weekend. It’s apparently common in the poly world:

While she has no interest in (and in fact is disgusted by the thought of) other people, insisting it was all a “phase” she has outgrown, she is unwilling to consider my exploring my poly side. For her, that’s a betrayal of our marriage, one she says could have unforseeable consequences.

Does the word divorce or abandonment have any meaning to you?

At 47, her sexual appetite has declined sharply over time, while at 55, mine has remained more robust, if not what it was when we were in our 20s or 30s. The good news is our sex life is excellent; I’m not a misunderstood, poor husband who needs a quickie.

The interesting thing is that many in the poly community would consider my interest shallow, because I’m led by sexual cravings and not some grande amour. But I didn’t come to this from any doctrinaire belief system; I’m just a guy trying to figure out how to be myself. I would actually prefer a deep and meaningful relationship with another woman. I’m also not foolish enough to think they happen all the time. I’m trying to be reasonable, and keep my goals modest at first.

I asked my wife to consider a poly “V” where I would be the hinge in the relationship. I have a friend in another city who shares her husband with another woman. Neither is bisexual, neither has relationships with the other, but both have sex with her husband. The “girlfriend” is now planning to move in with them. This would allow her to maintain her personal space, but give me a way to be who I am. I could, of course, just cheat and not face this issue. But I would prefer to have an open and honest relationship, both with her and with any woman I might meet. Sex is good, but sex with a strong emotional attachment is better. I would prefer a stable relationship with a caring, supportive person, one whom I could see openly and perhaps even integrate into our lives. If the two women can’t be friends, then at least they would not be enemies and rivals.

Certainly our discussion, while intensely painful for both of us, has at least allowed me to “come out of the closet” on the issue and be myself. We have discussed the issue to death, and are currently scheduled to undergo some couples counseling with a reputable poly therapist. Where will that lead? Right now, I don’t know.